Jaded
I learnt this word only this year. I haven’t heard of it from anyone or read it from any book. I realized this word existed only when it was used to describe how one feels in this particular stage in life. Jaded.
jad·ed (j
d
d)
adj.
1. Worn out; wearied: “My father’s words had left me jaded and depressed” (William Styron).
2. Dulled by surfeit; sated: “the sickeningly sweet life of the amoral, jaded, bored upper classes” (John Simon).
3. Cynically or pretentiously callous.
My dearest girlfriend mentioned it one day earlier this year. I had to go look in the dictionary to find out its meaning. And then I began to ask myself. Was this how I was feeling recently?
"Nothing could rock my world" she said to me. Too much ups and downs. Too much pain and weariness. Too much let downs and too much hurt. Now she’s jaded. So we go on life this way and that way because it is a way of life. We move on. However, in a jaded state.
So we heal and maybe we won’t because the same scars are there on the same wound. Or we continue to live life more purposefully or just live life mundanely. Love if there is love to love and when you think it will be returned. Or love like you know it will not be returned but still love anyway because you have so much love to love.
So I’m jaded too. I have loved and was loved but haven’t found love. I don’t want to be jaded. I want to grow out of this jadedness and continue to hope for love secretly. I want to believe that love does exist in some humane form in this wicked cruel society. And that one day I will always have these two words whispered to me always.
Quietly grateful.
Uncategorized | Comment (0)Je m’ennuie toujours de lui
I’ve known him for years. We worked together in the wards for a good long time. He walked in and we would talk like great friends.
He decided to ask me out. I was apprehensive knowing where it may go and where it will go. Honestly he was a tall and attractive man coming into his middle age. I liked his social graces and mannerisms. For someone at that level, he was extremely down-to-earth, kind, thoughtful and definitely full of charm. And he was lonely. Two words he said to me: Quietly grateful.
I went with my thoughts hanging on a thread. It was an honest first date over beer. His favourite. He was always talkative and so full of stories of his off-the-road biking trips. We talked a lot. We laughed a lot. That was a good sign of a healthy connected chemistry. I felt extremely comfortable with him. He was at ease with me. I promised myself I would go with the flow and not push or shove. But then again I knew myself. I knew what was going to happen. I will fall. In love. The attraction was overwhelming.
And it was. So much to say, so much to talk, so much to do together. Like a pair of new found friends and lovers. I was falling deeply in that dimension. Seriously deep. Seriously enough for me to be hurt. And the irony is I knew that. I knew that too well.
I was going to only be his companion in his loneliness and I will never be in his dimension. The painful realization is when you are going to be in that dimension alone and you have to start healing yourself again. I am in love and I am missing him.
He was a gem. He was honest and open about his emotions, his difficulties and his barriers. He hides nothing with me. Instead he bares his soul out to me. He was craving for softness and comfort amidst the loneliness and a word he said to me: Stark.
I will love him and I will miss him.
I still crave for the existence of love. I still do that after getting hurt again and again. I still want to try and not give up. I still want to hope and not lose it. I still want to find that sapphire.
Uncategorized | Comments (3)To The One I’m Still In Love With
Artist: Dirty Vegas
Album: Dirty Vegas
Title: Days Go By
You
You
You are still a whisper on my lips
A feeling at my fingertips
That’s pulling at my skin
You leave me when I’m at my worst
Feeling as if I’ve been cursed
Bitter cold within
Days go by and still I think of you
Days when I couldn’t live my life without you
Days go by and still I think of you
Days when I couldn’t live my life without you
Without you
Without you
You are still a whisper on my lips
A feeling at my fingertips
That’s pulling at my skin
You leave me when I’m at my worst
Feeling as if I’ve been cursed
Bitter cold within
Days go by and still I think of you
Days when I couldn’t live my life without you
Without you
Without you
Days go by and still I think of you
Days when I couldn’t live my life without you
Days go by and still I think of you
Days when I couldn’t live my life without you
Without you
Without you
Without you
Without you
Without you
To The One I’m In Love With
Artist: Snow Patrol
Album: Final Straw
Title: Run
I’ll sing it one last time for you
Then we really have to go
You’ve been the only thing that’s right
In all I’ve done
And I can barely look at you
But every single time I do
I know we’ll make it anywhere
Anyway from here
Light up, light up
As if you have a choice
Even if you cannot hear my voice
I’ll be right beside you dear
Louder louder
And we’ll run for our lives
I can hardly speak I understand
Why you can’t raise your voice to say
To think I might not see those eyes
Makes it so hard not to cry
And as we say our long goodbye
I nearly do
Light up…
Slower slower
We don’t have time for that
I just want to find an easier way
To get out of our little heads
Have heart my dear
We’re bound to be afraid
Even if it’s just for a few days
Making up for all this mess
Starting Over
I realised I have to start all over again in San Antonio. Too much in my comfort zone in Sunny Sheltered Singapore. I will have to be on my own. I will have to start making friends all over again. I will have to look for connecting chemistry, humour and laughter. I will have to be wary of the disconnected and the artificial, the pretentious and the fake.
I will have to steer the steering wheel on the left side of the car and bang my left hand on the door whiIe trying to change gears. I will have to drive on the wrong side of the road and look at the left first and then the right before I cross the road. I will have to start talking slowly and listen annoyingly while they chew on their sentences. I have to articulate my words clearly and listen to them articulate theirs.
I will soon hate burgers and potatoes. I will then start craving for Chicken rice and Hokkien mee while standing in the middle of the food court surrounded by stalls selling more burgers and more potatoes. I will then start imagining that I’m eating Char Siew rice and Beef noodles while chewing on my bread. I will then start to crave for Laksa and Bak Chor Mee soup when looking at mushroom and clam chowder soups. I will then start to realise there is nothing I can do if I crave for durians while in Texas.
I will have to start to learn to cook. I will have to eat burnt rice and drink blanded soups with overcooked meat and vegetables for a while. I will have to smuggle spices and prepared soup mixes in from Singapore. I will have to call home to get instant recipes. I will have to cook and struggle to hold the phone with Mum on the line while she gives me cooking instructions.
I will have to learn to slow down. I will have to learn to chew slowly and finish my food the same time as others and not talk with my mouth full. I will have to learn not to burp loudly in public. I will have to learn not to sprint off and leave others walking behind wondering where I’m rushing to.
I will have to learn to take my time.
Uncategorized | Comments (5)The Irony
Today I realised I’m leaving Singapore soon. Sunny Sheltered Singapore. I’ve never done this before and I don’t know if I can do this. The irony is everyone who knows I’m leaving tells me to go, just leave because they would have done the same if they were wearing my shoes.
I would have stayed if my career was growing. But it wasn’t. I would have stayed if there was something for me to look forward to. But there wasn’t. I would have stayed if I had found real love. But there wasn’t. And there’s the wicked irony now. I am missing someone now. I met him not too long ago but not long enough more to get to know him better after. Irony. Such is irony.
Uncategorized | Comment (1)My First Blog
My First Blog. I’ve never done this before. But I want to do it for a great many reasons. Firstly to kick-start my life in a foreign land. Secondly to ignite some passion in writing. Thirdly to express my inner world.
Uncategorized | Comment (0)