A Year in Texas

It’s been a year in the States now and I think I have come full circle.It has been a year full of tumultous ups and downs. I still miss Singapore a lot. However, Life has made some moving changes here in the States. I am now vey much vocal than before. My mind’s open up to a harsher culture where instincts are intertwine with survival and culture.
I enjoy the vast land of Texas and the ability to just jump into my Beetle and drive out of the city into the hill country. I’ve travelled to the hill country and to the little towns around Texas. This year has made me stronger, and more affirmed of myself. I never regretted the decision to migrate to the States, and a happy thought arose when I think of myself as a tourist when I go home to Singapore for my holidays. Finally, the ability to be a tourist in my own country. I will see Singapore in a different light, a different sound. 

It has been a tough year to say the least, sweetened by a first love and a discovery of a new romance that didn’t evolve and grow. The American culture has cultured me extensively but it has also brought me closer to my Asian roots. I sometimes wonder what it could have been had I not make this decision for this out-of-SG experience in the US. I probably would have gone on my monotonous living and working in Singapore and never knowing what I have missed. Or even knowing that I have missed anything at all.

The irony still lingers. The choice of a continuous monotonous hand-to-mouth dead-working nursing career in Singapore to a rewarding and well-paid nursing career in the US but the sacrifice of my beloved Family and Friends left behind in Singapore. The choice of a newly found independant lifestyle in the US to a lifestyle that I can never afford in Singapore. The lonliness of living alone in the US to the close proximity of strong bonding and establishment of my Family and Friends in Singapore. It is tough but sacrifices made are sacrifices done and rewarded with time. Another year and another full circle.

To BEV

Artist: The Fray

Title: How To Save A Life

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

Ozona, Texas

Today I drove out of San Antonio again. I had the entire weekend off which I needed to give myself a much anticipated therapeutic break. I decided to visit the little town of Ozona about three hours drive out of West San Antonio. The driving itself was already therapeutic to me as I was cruising down the highway with neverending land on each side of the road.

The town Ozona is the hometown of Blas. Blas grew up in Ozona. Ozona is called "The Biggest Little Town in the World" because it really is a little town with a big history that actually shaped Texas to what it is today. A statue of a man called David Crockett who came down from Tennessee to help to fight against the invaders of Texas, stood tall and high in the City Park Town Square.

David Crockett and 13 other volunteers fought their best battles in The Alamo, a historical monument situated in the city of San Antonio. A monument was erected for him and the county was named after him. This was what made the little town Ozona famous. Apart from all that history, it is a really tiny tranquil town.

I even found Blas Street. A street called to his name.

The drive home was again a calming effect. Cruise control. With blue skies and all.

Real Friends Are Hard To Find

Since being here in the States last year, I have yet to find friends. Friends who connect with chemistry and bondage that only one can feel. Friends who will stand by you when you’re upset and need to vent. Friends who will actually remember you for who you are.

Just last week I received a little package with a pair of earrings and a simple bracelet. It was sent by Belinda and Jasmine. The same set of friends whom I went with to India and who sent me off on my last day in Singapore when I flew off to Texas last September.

Friends grow with you. You don’t just find them and hope for a connection. I tried finding them here in Texas, hoping I could connect with them the way I did with my friends back home. But it’s never going to be the same. I’m dogmatic in my views about friendship. My friends are only a handful but they are reliable, trustworthy, annd dependable. Friends way back from the days when I was a student nurse especially Karen, Kiren and Catherine who has been friends with me for almost 15 years. Monica, whom I’ve known now for almost 10 years. Belinda, Jasmine, Sharon Lee, and Aishah whom I have known for almost 5 years now since we studied our Advanced Diploma in Critical Care in the days of NYP. Rochelle whom I have known for almost 5 years now, is one who has known my insides out.

You can’t make friends your friends. I believe in chemistry and connectivity. Though now I am in the States and most of them are still in Singapore and Karen in Australia, Kiren in Vancouver, Rochelle in Toronto, somehow there is still a warm feeling that friends will always be friends, and they will always be reliable, trustworthy, and dependable.

And then there is Cindy and Jasmine, whom both of them has displayed an infinite amount of generosity towards their friends. Cindy is forever a Sunshine Nurse with a sunny, cheerful disposition and Jasmine a focused, hardworking girl with a kind, down-to-earthy disposition.

As you move with life with them, you know that these friends will be lifelong. You don’t just know it, you also can feel it. It’s connectivity. It’s chemistry.

My First Love in Texas

He was the sweetest thing that ever happened to me when I first arrived in Texas. I knew nobody, felt no love, felt no feelings for no one. He was there with his gentleness and he was shy. He had the sweetest eyes. Eyes that had deep windows to his soul. He was warm with his feelings. I felt a connection, I felt chemistry. I was falling in love with him. And I did, too fast and too furious that I did not allow it to breathe.That was my mistake. A mistake that now needs time to heal all wounds and to re-breathe. And to let it grow again. I often asked myself why I did not let it grow and bloom at its own pace, but instead I wanted it so much that in the end, you lose it all. Love, that is. Falling in love with the right person at the wrong time and at too fast a pace. I wanted to be with him so strongly and I never allowed it to breathe. In fact I was the one who destroyed it all. There were wrongs to begin with in this relationship that the little rights was marred by the too many wrongs. Firstly I was in a new environment and I was extremely lonely. I wanted a hug, a real body hug and someone to tell me that everything will be alright.

And he was there for me. He was there for me from the beginning but I was impatient. I wanted more from him. I was needy, I was lonely and I was wanting more from him, his time, his affection, that I was pushing him away to a tight wall corner without realising the damage that was too come that will eventually demolise us. A simple chat over cheesecake last November was the most fondest memory I will always cherish. If only I let it grow at its own time and pace. it wouldn’t be what it would be today. The tears, the accusations, the lies, the pain, the knots in your hearts with that unexpected phone call, the anger, the hurt, more tears, more pain, more hurt, more lies, more games.And finally the disbelief in me. I lost it. Lost that belief in me that he said he loved me from the beginning.

He tried. I know he tried and he tried hard. And he tried again and again and again. But I was wrong to led him on. I was wrong to hurt him. I was wrong to have made him believe that I wanted him still. I was so wrong. He will always have a soft spot in my heart, that very special person. He will always hold fond memories of which he is a part of my life once.

Dedicated To BEV

Artist: Snow Patrol

Title: Chasing Cars

We’ll do it all
Everything
On our own

All that I am
All that I ever was
Is here in your perfect eyes, they’re all I can see

Losing My Religion

Artist: R.E.M.

Title: Losing My Religion

Oh, Life is bigger
It’s bigger than you
And you are not me
The lengths that I will go to
The distance in your eyes
Oh no, I’ve said too much
I set it up

That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spotlight, I’m
Losing my religion
Trying to keep up with you
And I don’t know if I can do it
Oh no, I’ve said too much
I haven’t said enough
I thought that I heard you laughing
I thought that I heard you sing
I think I thought I saw you try

Every whisper
Of every waking hour I’m
Choosing my confessions
Trying to keep an eye on you
Like a hurt lost and blinded fool, fool
Oh no, I’ve said too much
I set it up
Consider this
Consider this
The hint of the century
Consider this
The slip that brought me
To my knees failed
What if all these fantasies
Come flailing around
Now I’ve said too much
I thought that I heard you laughing
I thought that I heard you sing
I think I thought I saw you try

But that was just a dream
That was just a dream

But that was just a dream
Try, cry, why try?
That was just a dream
Just a dream, just a dream
Dream

Boulevard Of Broken Dreams

Artist: Green Day

Title: Boulevard of Broken Dreams

I walk a lonely road
The only one that I have ever known
Don’t know where it goes
But it’s home to me and I walk alone

I walk this empty street
On the Boulevard of Broken Dreams
Where the city sleeps
and I’m the only one and I walk alone

I walk alone
I walk alone

I walk alone
I walk a…

My shadow’s the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart’s the only thing that’s beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
‘Til then I walk alone

Ah-ah, Ah-ah, Ah-ah, Aaah-ah,
Ah-ah, Ah-ah, Ah-ah

I’m walking down the line
That divides me somewhere in my mind
On the border line
Of the edge and where I walk alone

Read between the lines
What’s fucked up and everything’s alright
Check my vital signs
To know I’m still alive and I walk alone

I walk alone
I walk alone

I walk alone
I walk a…

My shadow’s the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart’s the only thing that’s beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
‘Til then I walk alone

Ah-ah, Ah-ah, Ah-ah, Aaah-ah
Ah-ah, Ah-ah

I walk alone
I walk a…

I walk this empty street
On the Boulevard of Broken Dreams
Where the city sleeps
And I’m the only one and I walk a…

My shadow’s the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart’s the only thing that’s beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
‘Til then I walk alone…

June Jaded

It’s the month of June and I have been away from Singapore for 9 months. Honestly I now struggle to recall memories of my life back home. I still have my Family and Friends in my heart, but I know that everyone will move on from that time last year. My family lives life as normal as I wasn’t there. We communicate by phone but as all long distance relationships are, there’s only that much we can do. Brief conversations and brief summaries.

Life as Life is, moves on. I call my best friends occasionally through the weeks that follows, catching up on changes that happen. I read the electronic Straits Times daily so as not to lose touch with my homeland. But Reality as Reality is, it is a struggle. I struggle to live life as normally as any ordinary person could. I have a few friends from the same continent that came with me together on the same mission, and communication is easier between us. Because we have the same language, same culture and we have the same goals. Basically we’re Asians from Asia.

But Life as Life is, one lives alone and lives Life very much set in one’s ways. I came here because I needed a Change and change is as change gets. I’ve got my change. Do I like it? Yes, for all that’s worth. It was worth it. Now I see two complete obvious sides of the coin. Here is a culture presented to you in the most primitive of character. There is law and order in Singapore, but here there is law and order that is perceived differently in a mode where rights and freedom are exercised.

It has been a tough 9 months, a tumultous display of emotions, where crying and laughing almost have no difference whatsoever. I have been stronger than ever before. Everytime that I fell, I became stronger. And everytime it gets better after that.

Drive to Corpus Christi Beach

I drove to Corpus Christi, a city on the Gulf of Mexico. The road trip was 2 hours just to see the beach, or literally seawater. For me, seeing water calms me, strangely I feel better seeing seawater by the ocean rather than sitting by a lake. I have begun a series of short road trips for myself. I love driving long distances, as driving the long distances is strangely therapeutic to me. Texas is huge and driving out to the hill country is seemingly the only way out for me when I need to get out of the city or out of my apartment for a while.

The beach was calm and the sun was hot. I drove to the Bay to find out the seagulls were hanging out at my car hoping that they would get some grub from me. There were herons walking around mingling with the people, blatantly unafraid of the humans.

So the drive back to San Antonio was seemingly faster, perhaps the drive was fulfilling and therapeutic.